Trick Question

How do you grasp onto something
that isn’t even there anymore
and no longer something you even recognize

Trick question: you don’t.

But why do I spend my late night thoughts then
aching for the creature comfort of the past
of the eidolon that shared my bed for so many years
a pillar of my girlhood, suddenly gone
For the newborn adult to be left
grasping at nothing, groping along
the sides of a dead, forgotten memory.

I am not a necromancer to raise the dead
but I assume I am the gravekeeper then,
dusting off the writing of our epitaph
every few weeks because I still visit it
just to admire the thin veneer of hope
that once colored my plain future.
sometimes I wonder if you do too
but it’s better off that I don’t know the answer-

I don’t know what would be worse;
to know that you I knew is truly dead on the other side,
or to play at a zombified friendship after we’ve long since decayed.
I don’t think I could bear either outcome.

So I think I rather just keep you in jar,
keep you as a restrained thought in my brain,
safe where you are not real but real enough
for me to remember how it once felt
to feel something other than this gnawing loneliness and trickle of shame
back when I felt accepted, validated,
and like I could be loved, by anyone other than

Just me.
Just me.
Just me.
Pretending to be strong.

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