Thankful

Medium.com sent me an email asking what word would I use to summarize 2017. I don’t really think they care what word I use though. It was just a trick to get me to click on articles by famous people and the words they chose to describe 2017. That’s cool, but since we’re here…

Thankful.

I’d use Thankful. At the start of the year I decided to get a little uncomfortable. I decided to trust in the people who support me in a way that I’d never allowed myself to do before. I’m sure they are small steps for other people but they felt like huge leaps for me. I have felt the weight of being a little out of my comfort zone all year long. As the year draws to a close I feel like I can breathe a bit. I’m proud of what we’ve accomplished.

The daily chaos of social media, politics and the world in general made me have to take a step back and gain some perspective on things. On our podcast we had one of my favorite rappers as a guest once (Phonte) and he said that in order to love black people you have to take a step back some times. It took a while to sink in but I appreciate the wisdom he dropped right there.

I thought about Phonte’s words while watching my wife look out the window of a plane 38,000 feet in the winter air. Her eyes forever on the horizon. Dreaming big wide scary things that make me reflexively shrink into a ball like a roly poly. I don’t know that I am capable of embracing these big ideas but I am capable of seeing her and trusting her. So I follow her star in my night sky knowing that wherever it takes me will enrich my world.

When I was in a cubicle as a Corporate American I felt dead inside. I had to numb myself to deal with the unbearable monotony. Corporate life can be wonderful for some people but I wasn’t one of them. Every day I shrank myself. I didn’t speak to my co-workers very much for fear of being seen as the unconventional interloper who had stowed away on their voyage of rigidity. I trusted very few people with my sense of humor, my political musings or even my intellect. I had completely cordoned off any sign of my creative outlet. I don’t think I’m special in this. I think we are all conditioned to shrink this way when out of our element.

And still, when I was finally laid off I felt like a tadpole walking on unfamiliar legs on unfamiliar land. I just wanted back into that pool of quicksand because it was what I had known. My guiding star (as referenced above) said “No. It’s time to walk.” And so I’ve been walking for 4 years come 2018.

I always thought I was being a “strong black man” holding my feelings in. I thought misery was just part of the experience for black people in America. I mean… it is. But it’s just part of the black experience. It doesn’t have to be the defining characteristic of blackness. And mostly, the ability to meet misery with a stoic countenance doesn’t have to be the measurement for my blackness.

I am thankful to leave that behind in 2017.

I have watched my wife blossom into the woman I have ALWAYS seen her as. Even when we were both 16 on a school bus she has been this woman. I spent so many days telling her she was beautiful, smart, funny, sexy and inspirational. And while she would thank me and smile all those years ago I could tell she didn’t believe me. I’m sure she thought me just a fool in love saying sweet nothings to his favorite girl.

Well she was wrong. Those were sweet somethings. They were truths. Over the years I saw her start to at least tolerate my unadulterated belief in her queenhood. (Is that a word? Queenship? I don’t know. I see red lines under both but let’s roll with this.) If her Queendom only had one citizen then I was happy to be ruled.

I can’t really take any of the credit but this year I’ve done all that I can to solidify what I started on that school bus. When she combs out her fro and says “Look at my hair it’s so long.” Or when she talks about losing weight. Or her her pretty smile. (Still in braces for now) I’m happy that she’s happy but I’ve been known she was fine. I’m glad she knows it now.

Physical is just a small part of it though. She just realized that this business she told me to walk into… well she’s the co-owner. This podcast that is so popular? She’s the co-host. There is no success for me that she can’t be tied to. There is no success for me that she isn’t responsible for as well. Watching her embrace that confidence has been beautiful. Just as she was fine AF before she knew it, she was also brilliant before she knew it.

While I love the girl who looked into my rose colored glasses and thought “I don’t know what he sees in me but I guess?”, I am happy to leave her behind in 2017 too. I’m so glad to be walking into 2018 with the woman that doesn’t need me to tell her any more because she knows she’s the baddest in my eyes.

But I’ma still tell her.

I’m leaving 20lbs behind in 2017. I have so much more to go but it’s a start. I’m also leaving high blood pressure behind too. Part of numbing myself for that cubicle was also numbing myself to taking care of myself. Weight isn’t everything but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me. I think about it a lot. And I definitely want to stay on the path I’m on.

I had to get uncomfortable to get this far though. I had to go to the doctor every couple of months. I dread the doctor. I’m not sure why. I have a very kind doctor who is so supportive in my efforts to be healthier. She has never made me feel like a failure when I fell off of my work out regimen or came up short on the scale. And she was a partner in my health journey so when I kept this weight off it was like we both did. LOL

I’m thankful to leave that weight behind in 2017. I’m going to do my best to not see those lbs again in 2018.

I got on a couple of planes this year. I had only been on a plane once in my life before and that was in 2016! As smart as I come off most of my traveling has been via books, TV and movies. Traveling makes me sick. Well, that’s not true. The idea of meeting lots of people, performing a live show, eating meals with “strangers” I met via social media gives me anxiety. I can’t always keep food down when we do this. I realized that this year because I finally was able to breathe and see myself. I’m thankful for the revelation. It’s not the end of the world.

If anyone ever doubted my introversion… well now you know. LOL But as I said I got uncomfortable this year. And that meant meeting more of our fans. That meant being the dreaded center of attention in spaces where I’m used to playing the wall. That meant listening to people tell me how much they loved me and our podcast in my face without trying to mitigate the impact of their compliments.

That meant letting people love me. Flaws and all. I wouldn’t call what I am now “famous” but it’s way more attention than I’m comfortable with already. If our show continues on this trajectory I can’t imagine what that will entail but I trust fell into our audience and they caught my entire large frame and had room to spare. Despite everything I’ve been told about the “internet niggas” we found a lot of people that truly support us. I was insecure about letting people embrace me.

I’m thankful to leave that behind in 2017.

I learned that I can’t please everyone in 2017. (I know I was madd late on that one.) But I learned to let go because I’m also only human. I can’t control how others see me but I can control what I allow myself to endure. The perspective I gained in 2017 made it possible for me to see that the bad things people think about me and each other ain’t always my business. I’m still a peace maker. I’m still empathic. Mostly I am present in the moment now. I am trying to get out of my head and into these streets. (Metaphorically speaking.)

I reached out to people I care about more in 2017. I want them to know they are on my mind and I am with them as they are with me even if we don’t get to say it as often as we’d like. Life has a way of continuing to happen until it become the fog between the harbor and our ships. RelationSHIPS! (Corny I know…)

But still I’m thankful to foster those relationships with people and let them know they really matter. I’m going to leave the hesitation to reach out in 2017. I thought I would just be a “bother” but as the great lyrical scholar Kanye West said, “My presence is a present.” He also said “You should be honored by my lateness that I would even show up to this fake shit.” That part was too far for me. I’m gonna try to remain timely coming into the new year.

I’m taking thankfulness with me to 2018. I’m also taking self exploration, the friendships I’ve made, the lessons I’ve learned and the ambitions I hold with me in 2018. I’m trying to make this shit “lit” as the kids say. We have fought so hard to make a space specifically in tune with our beliefs as a couple and a podcast team and I won’t let that go easily.

Most of all I’m thankful for you. If you’ve been any part of this journey that I call my life I’d like to sincerely thank you. Without your support, your participation or even your private cheering way in the back… I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing now. I wouldn’t be able to do this art for a living.

I have some goals for 2018. I may share those at some point. But for now, just like 2017 I’m going to keep them to myself and let you know how I did at the end of the year. I’m assuming we don’t get nuked by then. I know, big assumption.

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