Electrified Brainwaves

This is gonna be a bit more candid than my usual blog posts here. I had a version of this started that was more in line with my previous work, but I’m in the middle of a manic fury at the moment and it just didn’t feel right.

So what do I wanna talk about today? The physical sensation of being manic or depressive. I know depression is pretty normalized at this point (for the most part), and that a lot of people have weighed in on how it feels, but I wanted to take a moment to describe my personal experience with the sensation. Partially because I think it would be good to write it out and examine the juxtaposition of the two sensations, but also because fuck you I wanna talk about it.

So what does a manic episode feel like? Well, I’ve experienced it a lot in the last few weeks due to stress induced manic episodes, so let me fucking tell you. Let’s just envision a brain really quick; all squishy and juicy, laying there on the table oozing and pulsing. Pretty gross when you describe it like that, but let’s assume that this brain is healthy (ignoring the whole on a table outside of a skull). Got your brain envisioned? Cool. Now douse it in lighter fluid. Before you follow that line of action to its logical conclusion, throw some jumper cables on there. Cool, you’ve got it electrified now, but before we throw that match onto the pile, make sure you strap about four vibrators onto it. Good, you’ve got it all electrified and buzzing and ready for burning…

Now forget to throw the match on it. Put that pile of horror into your skull, and while all of that electricity and vibration is going on, be constantly aware that you doused it in lighter fluid, and that you were supposed to do something with that lighter fluid but you can’t remember what it was…

Being manic fucking sucks. And it’s worse when you can tell that you’re manic. “But if it’s so uncomfortable like it sounds, how you could not tell?” BECAUSE THATS A LOT OF NOISE. All that noise gets you riled up, and then you get distracted, and then when you’re riled up and all that noise is going on is forget that you’re manic or even bipolar, and you just have to DO. Do, do, do, do while you keep trying to remember what it was you needed to remember and you bounce back and forth from thing to thing hoping that maybe one of them is what you needed to remember… And it’s easy to misplace that feeling. If you’ve ever taken just a SHITLOAD of coffee/energy drinks/soda, you might recognize the idea of that feeling as a caffeine high, and you don’t usually notice that you’re high on caffeine in that situation, you just think that you’re really energetic and in a really intense mood.

It’s really easy to think of a manic episode as the opposite of a depressive episode, but as someone who ‘gets’ to experience both of them on a regular basis, I can tell you with certainty that this isn’t always the case. Depression doesn’t always manifest as the typical ‘everything sucks and the world looks and feels muted.’ Sometimes it can manifest as intense rage, or constant distraction, and when it does the sensation is hilariously similar to a manic episode. There isn’t really much I can describe here honestly, the frustrating depressive episodes feel almost identical to manic episodes (though muted), and the episodes that everyone envisions when they think of depression are pretty thoroughly explained by more level headed people than I am at this moment.

Hopefully that helps you understand how a manic episode feels, and a little bit of how BiPolar people can have a hard time telling if they are in a depressive or manic episode, as well as how easily they can be confused for other factors. If you don’t, hit me up on Twitter, or just read through a bunch of my previous work, I’m sure you’ll figure it out pretty quickly.

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